On any given day, when I log into my gmail account, I see at least one or two emails from people asking, "Pmomma, why did you stop blogging?" or "where are you?".
For the past few years, I drop those well-meaning questions into a folder and imagine that, at some point, I'll get back to those lovely people and satisfy their curiosity. Unfortunately, that day never came and I had reservations about re-starting this blog because, in a moderately aggravating way, this blog was part of he undoing of my marriage.
However, by not blogging, I realized that I was letting someone bully me and I'm quite tired of being bullied. This blog never hurt anyone, except for me, and that was because of the small mindedness of a few people. I allowed myself to be scared out of my identity as an atheist.
I love to write. Ever since the cessation of this blog, I have been keeping a journal and, while it's helpful, it lacks the community sense that I came to love about this blog. Now, even more than ever, I need that community back in my life. I also need to write because it's one of the things I truly enjoy doing.
Recently, a friend was chiding me for being an atheist and she said, "...well, if *certain people* keep using religion to justify their hatefulness toward you, wouldn't it just be easier to fall back into religion and just have your life be peaceful? What harm would it do you to accept Christ and stop this rebelling? Christ can give you that peace." I don't think they recognized how much their statement downplayed the sanctity of their own faith. They were essentially telling me I should believe in Christ and follow the Catholic faith because it was easier. That shouldn't be the basis of any belief. We shouldn't accept or reject a philosophy because it's easier...we should accept or reject things because of the merits of the philosophy or its truth. I wouldn't be a racist just to make my life easier if I lived in a community of KKK adherents. I wouldn't become a homophobe just because my neighbors or my family were homophobic. So, why then, would I become a Christian because 90% of my friends are Christians? And, truthfully, while my life might be less complicated, it would be a false profession of faith and that seems more insulting to those with faith than simply saying "I don't believe."
In the last four years, I've had; a serious car accident, three surgeries, a parent and beloved grandparent's death, cancer (I'm ok now!), a divorce, and struggled with depression on a level I never thought possible. I've had my children be allowed to move away because I couldn't afford to fight it legally. People say that all of these events should've turned me back to my faith. But, if anything, it resolved me in my belief that, if God existed, he couldn't be the benevolent and loving deity people claim he is. Who would follow a powerful being that allowed such trials? What doesn't kill us makes us stronger, or so they say, but if a God wanted my soul, all he/she would have to do is provide proof of his existence....not keep throwing one thing after another at me from all directions. In pointing this out to a friend, he said, "But, you made it through and God carried you." So, now God makes us suffer to prove...what? That he can make us suffer and help us out of it? Are you serious? If I break your leg just because I can and then offer to carry you to the hospital, I still broke your leg. I still caused you pain. I'd still be an incredibly bad person! If I break your leg to make you believe in me, you'd be justified in thinking I'm a huge jerk! And, for the record, what got me through everything I've shared about wasn't God or the believe that karma would somehow punish those who wronged me. What got me through was knowing that, everything aside, I wanted to see my children grow up and I wanted to protect them in all the ways that I could.
That's reason enough!
---Oh, and, if you're reading this and hate me already (or still)... I suggest devoting this time to doing something more productive with your life. Say a prayer for me if you truly believe in your God and trust that his will will prevail. Peace be with you. ;)