Lately, there's been a neighborhood kid who is driving me nuts with his constant obsession over knowing my son's whereabouts. I'm sure there are some parents who can relate. This is the kid who knocks on the door every ten minutes or calls four times in an hour because you've delivered the, obviously, earth-shattering news that your child wasn't home at the moment. Today was no exception. P2 had a Court of Honor thing at Scouts and I was relishing in some nap time because my kidneys are staging a coup'. Doorbell rings the first time and it's neighbor kid (NK). Second time - NK. THIRD TIME- NK. At this point, I resolve that I'm just not going to answer the door anymore. I do, however, take a moment to make a little sign, out of cardstock, that says "J is not home. Do not ring the doorbell or knock unless you are injured or on fire. I will take down this sign upon his return." I ambled back to my inviting bed.
I suppress the urge to kill and wonder if NK has somehow been socially promoted to the fourth grade despite his illiteracy. Now, let me create this mental image for you - I had been in bed with my head thoroughly buried in pillows to shut out the light. My attire was a pair of cut-off sweatpants and a t-shirt that was my dad's during the late-80's. I have red, wool socks on my feet (courtesy of a wonderful reader who learned of my passion for socks) and am dragging a blanket to the door with me. I thought I may need something to wrap the body in.
I throw open the door and say, "J is not home! I know you can read." and there stand two women looking very concerned. They've got the long skirts and full length sleeve blouses despite it being 100+ degrees outside. The elder of the two then starts asking me a barrage of questions regarding the end of the world and I smile inwardly as I remember that scene from Coneheads where Beldar nods his head in the furious affirmative when the JWs come to his door. But, I tell her that "No. I don't agree that the world is coming to a violent end anytime soon." She then says, "I can assure you it is! If you're interested, we'd like to talk to you about God's plan for the world." Now, had I been a nice person, I probably would've politely told them to go away. But, NK ruined it for them. I don't invite them in but I ask them which God they're referring to. This meets with confused glances and stuttering. But, seriously...if you're going to go to people's doors and talk about God, shouldn't you know which one you're representing? She says "Oh. Um. Our Creator in Heaven." I had to do it..."Oh! Zeus!! Sweet!"
"You worship Zeus?", says the mute witness who has know decided to talk.
"No.", says I.
"Then why did you bring up a mythical god?", says JW Chickie whose name tag says "Blair" (which makes me think of the Facts of Life and I start humming the theme song in my head, but I digress).
"You started it", says I.
"Talking about mythical gods."
The mute witness tries to shove a pamphlet in my hands and I don't reach out to take it because I'm still holding the blanket around me. "Would you accept this literature about God's plan?"
Um. Let me think about it. "No, thanks!"
I shit you not, Blair says, "WELL YOU COULD'VE SAID THAT IN THE BEGINNING. WHY ARE YOU WASTING OUR TIME."
Ye' olde' irony meter pegs out at a ten. They actually left without having given me any literature about Zeus' plan. And, ten hours later I'm still humming the Facts of Life theme song. DAMMMMMMIT!