Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Is that a god in your pocket...?

Disclosure: The following link and materials may not be safe for work or appropriate for children. If you're easily offended, then please skip this entry. If there were a way to put the text behind a cut, I would.

I ran across a website called Sex In Christ. Note that the subtitle is: "Anal sex in accordance with God's will." At first, I thought this was a joke, but I can't find anything which suggests it's anything but legitimate (except for the subject matter). I mean, I thought the Christian Domestic Discipline sight was farked up, but it's a real ministry. Whether it's a farse or not, there are several blog entries, BY CHRISTIANS, talking about the "wisdom" in the sight. Very few seem to be insulted or in contradiction.

Mmmmmkay. Let's just take a look at what constitutes a holy booty call, shall we?

Are you saving yourself for your wedding night? The Devil wants you to
fail, that’s why he puts stumbling blocks in your way.

Pre-marital sex is a stumbling block? I know there's, often, some fumbling occuring, but if you're stumbling over sex, then you should really pay attention to what you're doing.

But God wants you to succeed, and that’s why he has given us an alternative to intercourse before marriage: anal sex. Through anal sex, you can satisfy your body’s needs, while you avoid the risk of unwanted pregnancy and still keep yourself pure for marriage.


So...does this undo the whole problem of male homosexuality? And, seriously... I think the words "anal sex" and "pure" are hysterical in the same sentence. God "wants you to succeed" in getting a little back door action, apparently.

On the topic of the Bible saying anal sex is a sin: "This is a common
misconception. Anal sex is confusing to many Christians because of the attention paid to the Bible’s condemnation of homosexual acts. However, it’s important to realize that these often quoted scriptures refer only to sexual acts between two men. Nowhere does the Bible forbid anal sex between a male and female. "

God's far more open-minded than I originally gave him credit for. *wink* Next thing you know, they'll start selling anal beads in your local Christian supply store.

In fact, many Biblical passages allude to the act of anal sex between
men and women.


Oh! This I have to see.
Lamentations 2:10 describes how “The virgins of Jerusalem have bowed their heads to the ground,” indicating how a virginal maidens should position themselves to receive anal sex.


Sooooo, that's why there's a lot of kneeling and bowing in most religions. It's not about reverence. It's about sizing up the pious badonkadonk in front of you. Sir Mix-a-lot was ahead of his time!

Another suggestive scripture tells of a woman’s pride in her “valley”
(referring to her buttocks and the cleft between them) and entices her lover to ejaculate against her backside: "How boastful you are about the valleys! O backsliding daughter who trusts in her treasures, {saying,} ' Who will come against me?' (Jeremiah 49:4) And in the Song of Songs, the lover urges his mate to allow him to enter her from behind: “Draw me after you, let us make haste.”
(Song of Solomon, 1:4)


I never knew the Bible was so dirty.
Isn’t anal sex dirty?”
The Bible says, “To the pure, all things are pure.” (Titus 1:15) The Lord
created your body, and no part of it is imperfect or unclean. God also created
our bodies for pleasure, and anal sex is just one of the many ways, including
standard sexual intercourse, that we can enjoy this pleasure and share it with a
partner. Although the anus is used for elimination, in reality it is not as
dirty as you think, especially after a shower or bath. Elimination is also a
natural process of our God-given bodies, so our conception of the anal area as
dirty has more to do with our own psychological hang-ups. If the idea of direct
contact with this area is still distasteful to you, the male can wear a condom
as a barrier

How does bathing or showering clean out your poop-shoot? Unless you've giving yourself an enema, there's going to be some feces involved.

“If you’re going to have anal sex, why not just have regular
sex?”
This is a good question: If you’re going to have sexual contact
before marriage, why not just go the whole nine yards and have regular sex? There are many good reasons for having anal sex instead. The first reason is practical: having conventional vaginal intercourse can lead to unwanted pregnancies.


So much for every sperm being sacred.

While it’s true that the Lord bade us to “be fruitful and multiply,”
(Gen 1:22) the Bible also counsels that “For everything there is a season, and a
time for every matter under heaven.” (Ecl. 3:1)


Wow. Well,...that's a new spin on Gen 1:22. Is there also a time for bondage, bungy-love-swings, and a little oral?

Pregnancy outside of wedlock can have dire and life-altering
consequences for all those involved. Having anal sex allows you to greatly reduce this risk. Second, for a young woman who has never engaged in sexual intercourse, having anal sex allows her to preserve her virginity (i.e., maintain an intact hymen) until marriage.


That's stretching the definition of viriginity a bit (no pun intended).

There is no greater gift that a bride can give than to offer her pure,
unsullied maidenhead to her husband on their wedding night.


What's with the obsession with hymens? Often, they tear without a girl having known a man's touch.
Finally, anal sex allows both partners to save the most intimate
and powerful sexual act, that of face-to-face vaginal intercourse, for their mates in marriage. This type of sexual relationship represents the most powerful union between a man and a woman, and so it rightfully should be reserved for
one’s life partner. Fortunately, you can engage in anal sex prior to marriage
and still be able to share the deeper, more meaningful act of consecrated love
through vaginal intercourse with your wedded spouse.


You heard it here, folks!
The site also has discussions on some other sexual acts. It's worth a chuckle to go read.


32 comments:

Joe said...

I can't click on this at work but from your comments I've seen enough to go Bwahahahahah. What a riot! Where do you find stuff like this? Its priceless.

Kristin Wenzel said...

Heh, I'm a long time reader but I haven't left any comments.... but this was just TOO hysterical. I love it! I'm a fellow Atheist but was born/raised Catholic - and I've known a number of girls who gave head and did it in the butt as to avoid "giving away their virginity."

It's so absurd but hey... whatever makes you feel better, I guess. LOL!

-Kristin

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Amy said...

I just, uh...wow.

Atheist in a mini van. said...

No anonymous comments with links. Read the blog rules. Thanks.

Anonymous said...

Well, poop.

(No pun intended.)

Without the link to Wikipedia, then, here's roughly what I wrote before:

This isn't actually a new idea. Several religions were said to have used anal sex to avoid pregnancy, notably the Cathars and Bogomils. The idea was that the world was going to end soon, so adding children (who would then have to suffer) would be a sin. But there's no way to be really certain, because the Cathars and Bogomils were wiped out by the Catholics, and in the process of propagandizing, the Catholic church tended to say the same things over and over -- they categorized both groups as Manichaeans, which modern scholars are pretty sure is just outright false, for example. The particular claim has been both confirmed and debunked by multiple sources, but either way it's not a new idea per se.

(The Catholics went after the Cathars because the Cathar equivalents to priests were dramatically less corrupt than the pre-Reformation Catholic clergy. Catharism, because of the obvious virtue of its devotees, caught on very quickly in France, and eventually the church had to bring in the military because their propagandists couldn't convince anyone to go back to the church by words alone.)

In any event: whether the Cathars and Bogomils really did go in for anal, the word "buggery" as a word for anal intercourse is actually related to "Bogomil". (Look it up!)

Atheist in a mini van. said...

Dude!! Seriously.
From the FAQ sections of this blog:
"Anonymous comments will be deleted.
Choose "Other" and make a name for yourself. This will help keep order in the commentary and allow people to respond to your line of reasoning and/or logic. You can call yourself by your dog's name...I don't care. But, call yourself something other than anonymous. In addition, if you want me to read something you've written, e-mail me. If I like it, I'll post it here. If you want some traffic for your blog - send me a link (or just sign in with comments) and we'll check it out. But, please don't put gratuitous links to your own blog in comments. "

I'll let your comment stay without a name this time, but pick something to identify yourself with. Furthermore, don't come in here telling people to "look it up!"...it's rude. No one is doubting your claims (yet).

ozatheist said...

Where do you find this stuff Possum?

Very funny, I'm thinking teenage boy wants some very christian girl to do it. She's holding out, so he's come up with the anal plan.

That site has to be a pisstake! Have you seen the other articles? Fisting and Gods Will, threesomes within a christian marriage,

ozatheist said...

PS. I like your new avatar

Poodles said...

I'll have to check this out at home later. But HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!

phewd said...

Something tells me this is a farce - see technicalvirgin.com

Flux said...

In addition to hymens breaking without a young woman ever having "known a man's touch," hymens naturally come in all different kinds of shapes. What could initially look like the hymen has been broken COULD actually be in intact hymen... I've learned a gazillion really interesting hymen facts from the doctor I work with. :)

elishajan said...

That was hysterical.

shady (it's just a name) said...

But you skipped right over the most contradictory part -- this website tells you to use a condom if you feel it is distasteful... um, aren't the religious nuts against condoms as a whole regardless of how they are used? OR, like everything else, they are only against condoms when it's convenient for them to be or not to be... kind of like believing in God... If your son dies in war, he served for God… if he comes home, praise God. If you’re going to buttfuck your girl, use a condom; if you’re going to have natural sex, please don’t use one – God wouldn’t want you to.

Btw, Possum… I think I love you. I need to write you an email soon. Stumbled on your blog last week and have read many posts… my wife and I can’t agree more with everything you say and I’ve been looking for a place to feel comfortable in this effed up religious zealot paradise we call “the land o the free”…

Kilted Dad said...

- OZAtheist on Avatar - He is not Pope!- He is DEVO!

- PMomma, I think Poe's Law MUST apply to this site.

ZugTheMegasaurus said...

Heh, that site really is a gem. A while back, there was a post on atheism.about.com about their discussion of fisting for Christ. The Bible really can be twisted to mean whatever you want it to, assuming you don't care what it actually says.

And the comment about selling sex toys in a Christian supply store isn't too far off the mark either; check out Book22.com. I seriously did a spit-take when I came across that. Sexual accessories for Jesus!

Icepick said...

Do you think there might be a market for WWJB bracelets? (Who Would Jesus Bugger?)

If you were going to go to all that trouble to justify something as fringe as anal, why not make the short throw and justify pre-marital sex?

Icepick

Matt D. said...

In "abstinence only" circles, this is know as the "everything but(t)" method.

There's another method, too...because God wants you to "suck seed".

Kazim said...

I am about 85% certain that this is satire, although it is a good illustration of Poe's Law.

On the page about "threesomes" they mention that you are safe as long as you follow rules such as:
(1) To avoid the impropriety of male homosexuality, a heterosexual couple should not under any circumstances form a threesome with another man.
(2) Both women involved in the threesome must be willing to keep within traditional female roles (i.e., not taking on masculine appearance or behavior in or out of the bedroom) and recognize the male as the leader in the relationship.

Um... yeah. It's a site that is extraordinarily liberal and frank about sex, and advocating extra-marital sex, porn, and BONDAGE, and yet they're still obsessing over homosexuality and "traditional roles."

I just don't think so. I think you've been had.

Betsy said...

"Bare before God - Shaving and the Bible" ???!! Now god cares if women have landing strips??

Too funny... wish we could find out for sure if it's legit.

I've heard/known of people who did pretty much everthing but vaginal sex and then had a church wedding with all the piousness and "thank god they saved themselves for one another" crap. Yet those who get caught having vaginal sex are basically run out of the church.

Must go back and read the proposal for Christian porn...

Amy said...

You'll love this. I was searching around trying to figure out if sexinchrist.com is legit or not and found THIS: http://mybelovedsgarden.net/

Christian sex toys! WOOT!

Milo Johnson said...

Holy shit!

LS said...

I think it's a very, very subtle satire. If you read the FAQs it just gets wackier.

Atheist in a mini van. said...

Yeah...like I said, it could very well be a farse. If it's satire, then the person who wrote it has evangelicals pegged perfectly. If it's legit....then....wow. LOL

Like I said, there was a fair bit of time when I thought Christian Domestic Spanking Lessons (CDD for those who want the real name) had to be a joke. I was wrong about that.

I browesed around the rest of the site and choked on my oatmeal when I read the bit about Christian fisting.

Not to get all TMI, but I'm fairly conservative when it comes to what I enjoy in an intimate relationship. Reading this (farse or not) has exposed just how prudish I really am because I see some of this stuff and think, "OH hell no! Jesus can kiss my ass if he thinks I'm doing that!"

Hey? Was there an article on ass kissing?

Poodles said...

This was so much that while I too was doing some digging I found this
http://www.themarriagebed.com/
Oh how I hope this stuff is true...how much fun is that!

Perpetual Beginner said...

Hey? Was there an article on ass kissing?

Rimming for Jesus!

The problem with farcing weird religious sites (and I agree this is likely to be a farce), is that there's always someone out there who actually believes that - or something even weirder.

the agnostic rationalist said...

I have no idea if the site is a farce or not, but I did know a girl in highschool who was a pastor's daughter and swore to me that because she and her boyfriend 'only' had anal and oral that she was still a virgin. When I told her that those things were still sex she tried very patiently to explain to me that sex was vaginal and everything else was 'just messing around'.

They got married after highschool and she was so proud of herself that she had remained a virgin until after marriage !! ::eyeroll::

blue_o7 said...

Hmmm if I conveniently destroyed all knowledge of sex and reproduction that resides in my brain I might then be inclined to think this website has just proposed the answer to Mary's supposed "Virgin birth".

How the sperm got to where it needed to be via anal sex I'll leave up to god...he can do all these other miracles so why not?

Milo Johnson said...

I don't know about the rest of you, but I've met a LOT of people whose existence can only be explained by fertilization via anal sex...

Krystalline Apostate said...

Truly, a pain in the arse.
But all bad puns aside...it's no surprise the religious can rationalize anything their, um, little hearts(?) desire.

aiabx said...

It has to be a hoax. That kind of activity could lead to holding hands in public, or even *shudder* dancing.

Flux said...

next thing you know, they'll be SHOWING THEIR ANKLES!!! ::shudder::