Pmom, I wish you were my mom. I read your blog every day and
always wish I was a possum. I am 17 and live with my mom who has two kids
with my stepdad. When my mom married my SD she became
pentacostal. ..............i don't know what you know about
pentacosts. Do u know much about the belief? They are strict about
to many things. I don't believe.......My dad was agnostic before he
died in 2005. I miss him very much. I'm stalling because I have
something I want advice on................ I want to ask you this and if
you post it I will take anything you answer. I got news that I'm
pregnant. I'm scared and alone and my mom & SD are going to kick me
out. They will say I'm a bad influence. I think you are young
so did you have P1 before getting married? What did you do......... I am
scared and I feel alone. Telling my mom is not what I look forward to so
much that I don't know if I can tell her. I don't know what I want to do
and I know she will pressure me into getting married or an
adoption................... My feeling on abortion is that it's not for
me. My boyfriend is from an UU family with parents who are easy to talk
to. I'm afraid they won't like this and it will change the welcome I feel
around them..................... Do you think it will? I'm
scared. Am I ready to be a mom......... Were u ready? How do you
know if u r ready? What am I going to do..........i want to finish school
and go to college. My boyfriend says he will support me but he wants me to
tell his parents when he's gone to his college interview in April...i'll be 12
weeks then....he is afraid like me. Please answer me...i feel alone.
I miss my dad..............mom did not know i was having sex...............she
freaked when I asked her about THE PILL. I don't blame her for me getting
pregnant.......it's my fault. I have screwed up everyone's life huh?
I'm so sorry for this thing I've done. Will u help me? Do u know
people who might know what I can do?
Chelsea, sweetie: first, you need to take a breath. If you give me a way to contact you via e-mail or phone, then I will make it a priority to get in touch with you. Since you didn't leave any contact info in your comment, I am left to answer it in public here. But, I really want to talk to you privately. That said... since you asked me to post, I will do so. I have a feeling that others, here, will have some useful advice or perspective (as this tends to be a compassionate and inteligent group).
Pmom, I wish you were my mom. I read your blog every day and always
wish I was a possum.
I'm flattered, really. However, I'm not perfect and I make mistakes just like any other mother.
When my mom married my SD she became pentacostal. ..............i
don't know what you know about pentacosts. Do u know much about the
I have some understanding of that particular religion.
I don't believe.......My dad was agnostic before he died in
2005. I miss him very much.
I know you do. And, I know that loss can be devestating.
I got news that I'm pregnant. I'm scared and alone and my mom & SD are
going to kick me out. They will say I'm a bad influence.
*hugs* Even women who are married and TRYING to get pregnant can get spooked by the prospect of having a child. The fact that you understand how big this is is a good sign. As for your mom kicking you out: I suppose it's possible. But, it's also possible that she will be more understanding and helpful than you imagine. I think much of it will boil down to how you approach her and what you bring to the table. You can't control her response (or your step dad's response): the best you can do is control how you tell them and present the issue with grace and understanding for their position. I'm not trying to put salt in a wound, but I think you need to consider their perspective if you want any chance of coming across as the mature young woman I know you to be. Mothers rarely want, or expect, that they will have to watch their own daughters become mothers before they graduate high school. From the moment you were born, I'm guessing your mom had visions of you going through life's phases (including becoming a mother) in a certain order and in an idyllic fashion. You mom is going to grieve and you need to allow her the space to do that. Understand, I'm not saying that you're intentionally hurting anyone or that you have no right to be scared or even that this will be easy or that babies/pregnancies at your age are 100% horrible and tragic. What I'm saying is that you have a better shot of getting the help and consideration you need if you acknowledge that your mom will have lost that dream she had for you.
You have an opportunity to acknowledge that this wasn't planned or ideal, yet, show your mother (and step dad) that you've thought about how this will impact your family. If you can get them to understand that you realize that this is not what they wanted to hear, then they might respect your attempts to act like an adult. This can only be a good thing. If, after you've addressed their loss (of the future they imagined for you), they still think you're a bad influence and want to kick you out, then you can live your life knowing that you carried yourself in a manner undeserving of such harsh treatment. On that note, I know how scared you are and that's justifiable. But, give your mom a chance. She might surprise you. If she does kick you out, then that's a bridge you can cross when your path takes you there. But, don't invite the fears of your imagination or things you can't control. I have some other thoughts that I'll cover in another paragraph.
I think you are young so did you have P1 before getting married?
I had to consult with P1 before I answered this because it's her history and her story just as much as it's my story. But, yes...I was not married when I gave birth to P1. I was, however, out of high school and already on my own. Still, my parents were hurt and concerned: they didn't exactly handle it as if it were the desired path because, frankly, it wasn't. But, with hindsight being 20/20, I know that there anger arose from fear and disappointment. And, they got over it. I have to say that even with the somewhat rocky environment I grew up in: my parents handled my announcement with as much sympathy as they could muster. That's all you can hope for. And, you have to give your family the chance to fail, or flourish, before you start imagining how awful it could be.
What did you do......... I am scared and I feel alone.
I cried. I vented to friends. I took the criticisms and offers for help with the knowledge that both reactions were coming from people I loved (and who loved me). If Robin is reading this, then she can tell you what a difficult time this was for me and how scared I was. Feeling scared is perfectly acceptable, but...I'd like to suggest that you see that for the good thing it is: having a child SHOULD instill some fear in you. That's healthy. You're taking on the responsibility of someone's life. The choices you make, every moment, from here on out will directly affect your child - that thought petrified me. But, you are NOT alone. You're not the first teen to get pregnant and you're certainly not going to be the last. Furthermore, I suspect that you will find that most people genuinely want to help you. There are going to be some judgemental assholes who will try to make you feel bad. But, there will also be people who step-up and stand by you. You have to take the bad with the good and decide which is more meaningful to you.
Telling my mom is not what I look forward to so much that I don't know if I
can tell her.
You can. You will. And, you must. Think about it, my friend. Do you honestly think you can go more than a few months without telling her? Pregnancies have a way of becoming obvious. If you have decided to continue this pregnancy, then you're going to have to say something to your mom. I don't think anyone in your position looks forward to telling their parent(s). And, no one who's been in your position envies you right now. If you're going to parent, then you need to start making mature/responsible decisions. Telling your family is the first of those mature activities. If you think the reaction might be too over-whelming, then I would strongly recommend asking someone to be there to act as a support for you. If you can swing it, you might also want to make sure that you have a friend of your mother come by to support her. Having trusted friends with you when you drop this bomb will lower the odds that either of you will say things you will totally regret later on. Additionally, timing really is everything. Don't do this in a public place. Don't do it in front of your younger sibs. Choose a time and place that will allow you both to devote the time that this is going to require. Does that make sense?
I don't know what I want to do and I know she will pressure me into getting
married or an adoption.
I think it's imperative that you make some key decisions before talking to your mom. You need to sit down with your boyfriend and figure out the basics. Do you want to get married? Are you ready for that? Is the relationship something you see as a long term thing? The worst thing you can do is marry this guy if you didn't see yourself with him for the rest of your life. A child isn't going to guarantee you a happy marriage and, in fact, it's unfair to the child to create a home wherein you're both wishing you'd chosen differently. Kids shouldn't come into the world and bear that burden. You really do have to take this pregnancy out of the equation when it comes to discussing marriage. They're separate issues. Your parents can't force you to marry. End of story. They might prefer that, but... you, and your child, will be the one who lives with that choice, not your folks. Therefore, it's not for them to demand or encourage without your consent. Don't compound problems.
My boyfriend is from an UU family with parents who are easy to talk
to. I'm afraid they won't like this and it will change the welcome I feel
around them..................... Do you think it will?
I don't know. But, I do want to say that I see something positive here. If his parents are easy to talk to, then you might want to consider telling them first. They may be able to help. They might want to help. Give them a chance. You really have nothing to lose.
OF COURSE this pregnancy is going to change relationships. There's no two ways around that. Even planned pregnancies between two, married, upwardly mobile adults changes the dynamics of families. The only thing you can control is how you present yourself to these people and how you react.
I'm scared. Am I ready to be a mom......... Were u ready? How do
you know if u r ready?
Only you can answer the first question. Are you ready?
I was ready AND scared.
If you've chosen to have this baby and parent it, then you have no choice but to choose to *be* ready. Read everything you can get your hands on about pregnancy and parenting. Ready yourself. Build a support system. Set some boundaries and expectations and be open about them. If you do those simple things, then you'll be ten steps ahead of most people who get pregnant (married or not).
What am I going to do..........i want to finish school and go to
Then you will finish school and go to college. Having a child will make this process more difficult, but definitely not impossible.
My boyfriend says he will support me but he wants me to tell his
parents when he's gone to his college interview in April...i'll be 12 weeks
then....he is afraid like me.
Ok. If your boyfriend truly wants to support you, then he will man-up and tell his parents himself. Wanting to dump that difficult task on you and you alone is completely uncalled for. I don't know him, given, but...that's no cool, Chelsea. That's unfair of him to ask and you need to demand better than that. You didn't get yourself pregnant.
I have screwed up everyone's life huh? I'm so sorry for this thing
You haven't screwed up everyone's life. You've possibly made a few bad choices and, for better or worse, those choices will change your life. But, it doesn't have to be the end of the world. It's NOT the end of the world. You are responsible for you (and this pregnancy/potential child) - that's it. If anyone elses life gets "screwed up" in this process, then that's their choice.
Hang in there, Chelsea. This *is* big. But, it's not insurmountable. Take this one moment at a time and climb each hill as it presents itself. I'm here for you (as I'm sure are others). *BIG HUGS*