Wednesday, February 06, 2008

Haggard the "UnGay" School Drop Out

Let's just set aside the fact that I don't think gay people should feel like they're sinners or need to be "re-educated" as heterosexuals... a fundamental, evangelical, and all around "Faaab-u-lous" guy, Ted Haggard, has dropped out of his anti-gay lessons.


The latest twist in the Haggard drama comes via a vaguely-worded letter sent
Tuesday to friends of New Life Church by its new pastor, Brady Boyd. In the
letter, Boyd indicates that Haggard -- the charismatic evangelical leader who
was fired by his church in early November 2006 in a shocking gay sex and meth
scandal involving male escort Mike Jones -- is moving on.


What is he moving on to, though?

Dear New Life Church family and friends, Today, our church's board of
trustees will release a statement regarding the end of the restoration process
for Ted Haggard. This process may receive some media attention, and I want you
to hear of it from us before you read about it in the newspaper or hear it on
the evening news. Let's continue to pray for Ted, Gayle, and their family. God
bless you, Brady Boyd Senior Pastor New Life Church Colorado Springs, CO -- FOR
IMMEDIATE RELEASE Ted Haggard's leadership of New Life Church for many years was
extraordinary and the depth of spiritual maturity that is found today in the
church is in large part attributed to his leadership as the founding senior
pastor. In January 2007, Ted Haggard voluntarily agreed to enter a process of
spiritual restoration. He has selected Phoenix First Assembly and Pastor
Tommy Barnett as his local church fellowship and is maintaining an
accountability relationship there. He has recently requested to end his official
relationship with the New Life Church Restoration Team and this has been
accepted by them. New Life Church recognizes the process of restoring Ted
Haggard is incomplete and maintains its original stance that he should not
return to vocational ministry. However, we wish him and his family only success
in the future. Because spiritual restoration is a necessarily confidential
process, the church does not anticipate that it, or its Overseers or Restorers,
will make further comment about it.

The process is "incomplete"? What? Is the New Life Restoration Team a pseudonym for the Borg? Let me see if I can reword this letter...

Dear Uber-Christian fanatics of Colorado,
We tried our best to de-gay your FABULOUS pastor. But, he won't take the blue pills. Don't let him near your family or pay attention to his preaching (even though, we realize, we encouraged y'all to follow him to heaven before he was caught looking for male hookers and blow). Remember, folks: Jesus saves (as long as you're heterosexual).
Sincerely,
Haughty McHypocrite



*hat tip to Ginger*

8 comments:

Milo Johnson said...

For goodness' sake, don't give him the BLUE pillS!!

wineymomma said...

*head shaking*

We were living in colorado springs when the story broke. Is it sad that my first thought was well, "I thought he looked and acted too perfect to be true."

fdqpink/Baal's Bum said...

Maybe there is a god after all
hahahahahahaha

Becca said...

ROFLMAO

Country Wife said...

ROFLMAO!!!

Something I found to be a hoot: while reading this post on your blog, the google ad was "Insurance for Churches".

I wonder if there's an insurance rider in case the pastor is caught having gay sex?

Whew..I haven't laughed this hard in ages..my sides hurt!

-Richard said...

This process may receive some media attention ...

was preceded by

Today, our church's board of trustees will release a statement ...

*May* receive media attention?

If you don't want it to get media attention, why are you issuing a press release ?!?

Ernst Hot said...

"Insurance for Churches" ???

Surely the protection of God almighty is sufficient?

Bwahahaha...

Elizabeth said...

::sings::

"ted haggard is completely heterosexual, ted haggard is completely heterosexual, ted haggard is completely heterosexual..."