Wednesday, December 05, 2007

No cookies for you!

I was invited to be a part of a Kookie Klatch. Sounds pretty innocuous, right? Well - it was, until I heard that this woman was calling on behalf of a Catholic church I've never been to, nor would step in, in my life. My Scooby-ears went on full alert. "Yes!" says the kookie lady, "I was given your name as someone who'd be interested in this. Bake six dozen cookies, label them, and bring them to the fellowship hall after mass on Sunday." Now...aside from mentioning that this call came on a Friday, does anyone else see a problem? I mean, I have been known to bake cookies, but never six dozen that I plan to give away to a church for their profit. Requesting six dozen cookies on a Friday, to be sold on Sunday, is like requesting a miracle (ok...I suppose they ARE Catholic for a reason).

But, I'm talking about the OTHER problem. You know. The one where I'm not Catholic, anymore, and hadn't even heard of this parish until Friday. But, they magically have my name and a rarely used phone number? Yeah. That one! The one wherein a church I don't belong to, let alone don't believe in, has my phone number and contact info and is handing it off to Kookie ladies I don't know. I'm sure the Kookie lady is sweet and harmless, but... um. No!

So, I contact the deacon of the church, who calls me back and says the standard, "That's not my department" line. I then take it to the streets and call a friend of mine to see if they're messing with me (since they DO belong to that Church and DO run with the non-habited ladies of the Church. They plead innocence, but...they mention that they've heard my name mentioned in passing by a certain guy. Certain guy is a pain in my ass. But, no he's been upgraded to the title of "unethical nutfuck." I contacted the parish secretary (after Deacon Notmyjob gave me the hand off) and get an e-mail, today, telling me that we must've made a donation to the church, otherwise we wouldn't be on the list of interested parties. Oh, and... "The next time you donate to us..." I need to remember to write "do not contact" on the donation. !?!? HUH!!??! WHAT DONATION!? Why would I donate money to an organization who's biggest expense in the last ten years has been defending pedophile priests? Why would I donate money to an organization that has decided nuns are expendable and should learn to adjust to poverty while making sure the Pope has his news Benz and a dashing wardrobe? Donation my ass! I ask the secretary to e-mail me a copy of any info they have about my "donation".

I call my friends back and say, "What is she talking about?" I ask them if they've made a donation on my behalf. They say, "No! And, if we did...we wouldn't give them your phone number." I make them swear on the virgin Mary's virginity --which, I realize, is a bit silly, but they're Catholic and that's a big deal for them. Amusingly enough, Mr. Friend says, "Hey!! She is a virgin until you prove she wasn't." We'll get back to that later.

I then corner Mr. Possum and ask him if he's been secretly funneling money to a catholic church on the other side of town. He looks at me with a look that is best summed up by the words, "Are you f'ing kidding me? Puh-leeeeze." We spend an hour trying to rack out brains. Meanwhile, I've called out the douche who my friends are saying did it (they heard it through the Catholic grapevine). A fundy christian, and his fifty personalities, are going batshit because I've dared suggest an impropriety of a religious person. The wambulances go on stand-by and I get called a liar. Because, you know...if you can't blame the victim, then who can you blame? Surely, an organization that can play "find the pea" with its priests can protect a phone number and stuff. Or,...not.

So, the shit is hitting the fan. The church is e-mailing me because, I'm guessing, the moderators of the site where I've called this guy out are verifying information with the Church.

I get a very disgruntled apology and explanation from douche man who says a lot, but says nothing. Turns out, when we used a non-profit tax preparation organization (as we've done for years), our fifty dollar donation actually went to this church. And, upon noticing the name, we were put on a list by some nebulous list fairy who is remaining nameless because douche doesn't want to "jeopardize her privacy". Apparently, my privacy is worth nothing and I'm like that chick on men's urinal stalls..."If you want to taste some yummy Jenny at 867-5309!" I must have some tasty cookies if they want six dozen. ;) It starts with the cookies, but then they'll want to eat my peaches and shake my tree. Where does it end?

So, yeah. In summation: apparently, giving money to a tax prep, student group, is akin to asking for baptism into a parish and you have to opt out of the organization that you weren't aware was getting the money. That sounds logical and ethical...not!


Sean the Blogonaut F.C.D. said...

Anything is all right when you are doing it for the Lord.

Sean the Blogonaut F.C.D. said...

So I was wondering if I put in an order will you bake me some cookies :)

Anonymous said...

Only if your request comes with a healthy dose of sanctomonious arrogance.

But, sure. I'll bake you some cookies.

Oh. Wait. You probably wanted them sent to you, right?
*om nom nom nom*

Sean the Blogonaut F.C.D. said...

This a library, we do not sell cookies

Perpetual Beginner said...

Oi. Somehow I'm reminded of the last time I gave birth. How, you ask? Well, I received flowers in the hospital (new town, we literally moved into the house two days before I gave birth), from a local church. Okaay, weird, but maybe they do it for all new mothers or something. No such luck. Two days after I get home, a passel of elderly ladies shows up on my porch bearing dinner. When asked who they are, they turn out to be from the same church - "We always bring new mothers in our parish a hot meal!"

My husband had gone to their church once about three months prior and left a visitor card whose sum total information was Mr. (top five common first name) (top twenty common last name). Based on this, one of the church ladies who volunteered at the hospital noticed my last name when I checked in, and notified the church, who swung into action.

Leaving me with the dilemma of how to tell a clutch of nice old ladies who are so happy to be doing a good deed, that we would really rather they wouldn't.

JP said...

That was pretty entertaining!

Thanks for that.

Nick - The Man of Rage said...

Cookies! Did some one mention cookies?!! :P

On a serious note..., thats the same reason nut job charities including but not limited to the church of Bono (who would qualify as a unethical nutfuck - BTW you dont mind if I use that one and make it my own - do you possummomma?) dont get to see my silver.

I rather give it to Cancer research or to many other excellent deserving research organisations that acutally deliver huge benefits to the world community.

Anonymous said...

BTW you dont mind if I use that one and make it my own - do you possummomma
'Tis my holiday gift to you, my friend.

Anonymous said...

Leaving me with the dilemma of how to tell a clutch of nice old ladies who are so happy to be doing a good deed, that we would really rather they wouldn't.


Poodles said...

I like cookies... I make a mean ghiradelli chocolate chip cookie this time of year. Oh wait, we were talking about kookies, never mind.

eyeslikesugar said...

Hey! I was directed to your blog from Ginny(at and after this hilarious (and frighteningly true) post, I plan on being a regular reader of yours too! =D

Oh! And I'll take 5 dozen cokies by tomorrow. Thanks! XD

Milo Johnson said...

Jenny doesn't have that number any more. Too many calls for her cookies...