Monday, November 12, 2007

Fundamentalist Trolling for Dummies

The kids and I have been working on this...enjoy!

So, you want to be a fundamentalist troll? Congratulations on putting your Heavenly Father (TM) first and indulging the righteous indignation that has been clawing its way out of your heart and soul. Now that you've made the decision to be a Warrior for Christ, on the front lines of this Culture of Death (TM), you're going to need a few pointers.
1. Find a good blog to troll. Ideally, the blog should be; frequently updated, have a large and broad readership, and have occasional pictures of the blogger's family (this will be important later). A good blog should also be free of other fundamental trolls because, well, they'll steal your God given thunder and multiple trolls may lead to embarrassing contradictions.
2. Now that you've found your mark, make up a user name. We recommend a name with Biblical punch and pizazz. Paul1966 just doesn't have the same ring as "DoingIt4Jesus1966". The importance of a good troll name can't be over-stated. This name will be typed by many secularists and, as a Christian, it's your duty to take up as much of their time as possible. Remember... your goal is to become a light of God: If He's going to light it, then make it light-worthy.
3. The profile. Remember this mnemonic: KISS (Keep it sanctimonious, stupid!). Your name instills the fear, but your profile should lead lost sheep to the word of the Lord. Use big words that you don't understand and over-sell your occupation or church standing. Go big or go home! God doesn't want losers! You have two options for scripture approaches. Approach number one emphasizes the Biblical justification for being a pain in the ass for Jesus and spreading the word of the Lord. Titus 2:1 and 2 Tim 4:2 are safe bets for this route. If you really want the godless to get the message, go straight for Acts 5:42. The second approach is to include some really scary quotes - make them understand that without your evangelism and word, they will burn in hell. Some suggestions for this route would be; Deut. 32:22, Psalm 9:17, and Proverbs 15:24. Some advise a temperate approach to the profile scripture, as you really want to reserve God's full and justified venom for the stubborn secularists who refuse to listen to you later. Pace yourself. Remember, "the road is long...". Also, consider listing some of your favorite books on your profile. But, take heed...this is not the time to list the preemptive reading that you're doing to determine whether or not Stephen King is an acceptable author for your family. It's best to stick with books that will make you look like the glowing messenger of Christ that you are. We recommend books that speak towards the evils of evolution and secular America. In a pinch, a good anti-abortion title or homeschooling title will suffice.
4. The first comment. Set the tone right. There are a few options, here (and they say religion takes away freedom of choice...pish posh, we know better!). You can try for the subtle and back-handed compliment approach. This takes a bit of skill and patience, so don't be discouraged. Another great approach is the tried-and-true "I have atheists friends..." overture. Or, you might decide to make your first post a simple, yet elegant, piece of scripture that speaks to the issue at hand. Be creative...the Bible can justify a multitude of self-righteous words and deeds.
5. Be persistent! Don't take "no" for an answer. Remember, you are right. The Bible says so and there's nothing anyone can do about it. If they won't listen to your message of salvation, then unyoke yourself from them...but, make sure to tell them that their wagon is headed for hell. It's your duty to inform them of the hell that awaits them. Do it daily.
6. They know not what they do. Consider any contradictions to be a sign of God working on their cold, cold hearts. They'll pay for their insolence or perish before your God. Take comfort in this.
7. Logic? You don't need no stinkin' logic! You work for the Big Man Upstairs. Logic and reason are for pussies! God didn't use logic or reason in his creation of this world... you don't need it either.
8. If at first you don't succeed, cry, cry again. How dare they correct you on your Bible? You are the a blameless citizen in this secular society. Be the victim. Look to the greats for guidance; Kent Hovind, Ted Haggard, and the late, great Jim Baker. Don't take disappointment sitting a press conference or invoke your legion of sock puppets (see #9) for support.
9. Sock puppets. Use em'. Set up other profiles and identities to help you win this glorious battle for God. When you're down, brew some java and raise a valiant sock puppet army to prove that might equals right. Forget slavery and disco - the majority is always right! If you can't get a majority, create one.
10. Hitler, Russia, and China. When faced with mean, atheist responders, do not hesitate to throw in any of the above. See #11.
11. Reality is for sissies. This is your holy war and you have the absolute right to re-write history as you see fit.
12. Bad analogies and metaphors are gold. Keep a list of every analogy and metaphor you ever heard in church. Random use of such beauties will throw those evil atheists for a curve and redirect the conversation long enough for you to remember rule numbers eight, eleven, and seven.
13. Ad hominem - the other corn product. Like em'. Love em'. Use em'. Those godless heathens will stop at nothing to make you look ridiculous, so zing them with personal attacks and subversion. It's your right as a fundamental Christian troll to pick apart their character and judge it as you see fit. Make Jesus proud! Get in touch with your inner asshole and soon you'll be weaving tapestries of ad hominem insults. Remember - everyone is a sinner and it's your right to use the light of God to point out their flaws. Verifying your claims is over-rated and time consuming...God will sort it out later, anyway.
14. It's their fault. They took God out of schools and stole Christmas. Everything bad about the world is their fault. You are pristine and above criticism however valid. They make the baby Jesus cry and that's intolerable.
15. Women are just a rib. Put them in their place, often!
16. Spelling and grammar. Don't limit the spirit of the Lord to basic grammar, punctuation, and spelling. Tell all liberal grammar Nazis that they can go to...well...hell! Jesus and his posse didn't use spellcheck and neither should you. Have faith in the power of the spirit and the gift of tongues.

If used correctly, the above lessons will help you instill hatred and intolerance throughout the blogosphere. Screw Al Gore! God created the Internet! He wants you to be a malevolent, rancorous, vengeful prick. Go forth and spread fear of God's wrath amongst the masses. Future chapters will include discussion on;
*Evolution and education are for spiritually weak individuals. Taking pride in your ignorance and other fun tactics.
*Defending Pascal's Wager with ten, easy logical fallacies.
*Occam and his razor.
*Dinosaurs are people, too.
*Building your own ark.
*Incest: Part of God's plan.
*Homosexuality and the destruction of the world.
*Prozac: To use or not to use.
*Restraining Orders: What should you do?


shydescending said...

hahaha I love it

Maggie Rosethorn said...

WONDERFUL!! You and the possums should be proud of the hard work you all put into this.

Poodles said...

HA! That was fun!

Sean the Blogonaut F.C.D. said...

My only concern is that in a months time this will appear on a Christian blog/website as a "real guide".

Very funny though

Carlie said...

This is total gold.

Anonymous said...

You do the most fun things with your kids! May I borrow this for our homeschooling fun?

Anonymous said...

By all means, Shades... :)

AlisonM said...

The kids helped? Oh, this is rich! Good work, possums!

Kat said...

P-momma I'm printing this out and sticking it in my gradebook to give me a good laugh when my students are driving me more crazy then usual.

Autonomous said...

Isn't "fundamentalist trolling" and "for dummies" a bit redundant?