Sunday, October 14, 2007

Phone fun!

Me: Hello
Ben: Hello, my name is Ben and I'm calling on behalf of the Jesus Christ Church of Latter Day Saints. Do you have a moment?
Me: Sure. Why not?
Ben: That's great. Um...I'm calling because you recently ordered a Book of Mormon through our website and I was just wondering if you had any questions?
Me: No. I just wanted a new copy. My old one was getting pretty torn up and overly notated.
Ben: Really? So, you've read it? Wow. That's great.
Me: Yep.
Ben: May I ask what you thought of it?
Me: Meh... it's an interesting view into the mind of an elaborate con artist.
Ben: (Clearly wasn't expecting my answer) Oh. Um. Hrm... who are you referring to?
Me: Joseph Smith, of course. He wrote the Book of Mormon, did he not?
Ben: It was revealed to him...
Me: Using two magic peep stones and a top hat! AND, his translation changed between the time Martin Harris' wife burned one copy and he wrote a second translation.
Ben: That's not true.
Me: Oh, but it is.
Ben: Well...why are you reading the BoM if you are convinced it isn't inspired?
Me: Well, I believe it's "inspired", just not "divinely inspired". I'm sure Joseph Smith had some really grandiose thoughts on how rich and powerful he could become by starting his own religion. He was "inspired" by greed and his own ego.
Ben: That's just not true, Ma'am. *pauses* We believe that an angel led our prophet to the tablets that contained the full and revealed gospel. Joseph Smith was a humble man who devoted his life to the creation of the Lords one and only true church.
Me: I realize that's what you believe, but I do not share that opinion. Joseph Smith was anything but humble,... humble men don't embark on shady land deals, murder, and marrying multiple, underaged wives under the guise of being a siren of God.
Ben: Where are you getting your information from, Ma'am?
Me: The historically accurate sources that document Smith's dealings.
Ben: There are many lies about our prophet and I believe you've only read the lives. Can I send a team of missionaries to your house to help reveal the truth of Joseph Smith and his plan for eternal families and salvation? Do you have children? I can make sure they bring materials for them as well.
Me: I would LOVE to talk to the missionaries. I befriended a pair a few years ago.
Ben: That's wonderful. What made you continue to believe lies after hearing the truth?
Me: I don't think I'm believing lies.
Ben: Don't you want to live in perfect heaven with all of your family for time and all eternity?
Me: I don't believe there's such a place called heaven...or, as you would call it, "the celestial kingdom".
Ben: You don't believe in heaven?
Me: Nope.
Ben: (is getting flustered now) Well....well, what do you believe in then?
Me: I guess I believe that this life is the only shot we get and we should make the best out of every day we have.
Ben: But,...what happens to you when you die? Have you given any thought to your eternal soul?
Me: Can you prove I have an eternal soul?
Ben: Yes! I believe I can.
Me: Well, I'm all ears then. Please share your proof with me.
Ben: I have a personal testimony to the fact that there is a blessed eternity and that Joseph Smith and our current prophets have the keys to that kingdom.
Me: That's not proof. That's your opinion.
Ben: It's not just my opinion. I swear to you that I know with all my heart that what I'm telling you is true.
Me: That's just not good enough. I'm sorry.
Ben: Ma'am, I'm trying to help you.
Me: And, I'm willing to listen to your ideas and thoughts, but you need to back them up with evidence. Why should I believe you? I don't know you.
Ben: You'd have to pray on what I'm telling you and take lessons from our missionaries.
Me: Would those be the lessons where I'd be told, in the third meeting, that I need to be baptized before you'd spring all of the questionable doctrines on me?
Ben: What questionable... (I cut him off).
Me: ...the word of wisdom, the temple endowment ceremonies, the secret names, the fact that my husband would be the only way for me to get to heaven with a secret name, the garments, the tithing, the expectation that I would have to donate significant time and money to church purposes, blood atonement...
Ben: We don't practice blood atonement anymore!
Me: That's not what I learned in the temple.
Ben: it makes sense. You're an apostate. (He starts to sound really I had to take him down a peg!).
Me: Nope. To be an apostate, I would have to first be a member. I went through the temple as a non-member. I was snuck in by a friend who'd procured a recommend.
Ben: *speechless* That's impossible.
Me: Apparently, it isn't. But, I can understand your disbelief.
Ben: I think this call is over.
Me: Ok.
Ben: *click*

So...I guess this means no visit?


L. Nielsen said...

Thanks for giving me a great start on a monday morning! This was funny. I bet he hadn't counted on such a conversation when he woke up that morning. Oh, the horror. The Big Secrets(TM) has been revealed!

I love your blog!

Masklinn said...

> So...I guess this means no visit?

That probably means no BoM for you either, sadly.

Caro said...

LMAO, thanks.

Poodles said...

They must have sent them to my house then... yep at my door during dinner time last night. I suppose the whole dinner time statement isn't very fair though, since the husband and I both go to bed early and get up early we eat early (4:30 ish).

I have a "no soliciting" sign on my door. So this time since I was already overcooking my steaks I just looked at them and asked them if they were illiterate. Then I got the "big word" look. *sigh*. Can't you read? NO SOLICITING! They tried telling me they weren't selling anything. I had to inform them that of course they were. They were selling lies. I then closed the door and finished cooking.

Joanna said...

oh! hahahahahaha. That was great!
I always want to tell the missionaries who come to my door that Satan told me not to talk to them. But I just can't. They're poor sweet brainwashed teenagers who think they're helping. I let them get as far as "do you believe in Jesus Christ?" Since tey're trained to ask questions thall will elicit a 'yes,' the 'no' really throws them.

James said...


I wouldn't be planning my day around them coming, if I were you.

Haven't had them come around yet, but I do have a Jehovah's Witnesses temple near me.

The Exterminator said...

Nice job of oh-so-sweet skewering. I think you deserve a special award for hanging in there. I would have hung up as soon as Ben said "I'm calling on behalf of the Je..." Of course, that would not have been effective at all, whereas your reponse probably rankled the guy all day long.

That is, if he was for real (or, in his case, for fantasy). It is possible, however, that the phone call came from a volunteer in the John McCain camp, trying to get you pissed off at all Mormons in order to undermine Mitt Romney's credibility.

Which, of course, needs no further undermining -- religiously or politically.

James P. said...

A friend of mine postulates that there is a "super secret LDS ninja force" and that they exist to handle all the churches "dirty" work.

You might be getting a visit from them ;)

Sono_hito said...

roflmao, that was priceless.

Reminds me of my favorite line to hand misshies. "go peddle your god elsewhere"

Milo Johnson said...


Saurian200 said...


Oh, come now. You know using your brain gives you an unfair advantage. How was he supposed to compete someone who does research and thinks about stuff?

Remember, God gave you a brain, SO STOP USING IT!!


Okay, I admit I was just going to say pwned but Milo beat me to it.


Katie said...

Oh wow, that really made me better after corrupting america's youth all day. (I'm an art teacher)

P-momma you are a hero to me. I just say "hail satan!" when closing the doors on Jehovah's witnesses or leave my Mcssiah piece on the door to get the crazies from knocking on my door. You help me have get new material to bluster them with.

tina said...

I'm still waiting for the jehovah's to come back, I REALLY was busy that day! I love your posts!

erin said...

Poodles, my no soliciting sign also says, "No religious fanatics." It's worked to keep the JWs at bay!

Marcy said...

I googled "blood atonement" after reading this post, since I didn't know what it was.

Gee, apparently back in the 1800's when Utah was practically a theocracy, those wacky Mormons killed all sorts of people.

Nice bunch, those Mormons.

clueless said...

Ummmm... What's pwned?

donna said...

It's so fun when you know people's religions better than they do. Really pisses 'em off!

fubarmonkey said...

LMAO @ mormons

I ran into some missionaries the other night on the bus. I asked them for a copy of the book since I didn't have one already and one of them jumped straight into "conversion" mode. I think I took him down a peg when I told him I was an atheist. Still, they seemed nice and told me that I had to "pray" to know it was true.

Nicholas said...

Thank you for that!! Reading that was the best fun I've had all day. I got a call from some fundie group a week ago and sadly I was just about to go out and had to cut him off, otherwise I could have had a lot of fun with him.

Dawn said...

That was hilarious. Thanks for the laughs!

(Just found your blog, by the way.)

Saurian200 said...


Here you go.

More then you would ever care to know about such a stupid word.

Joe said...

Actually, the story in my family is that Joe Smith stole the Mormon "bible" from one of my ancestors, a guy named Spaulding. The short story is that Spaulding wrote a science fiction book and was selling it. Joe bought it and suddenly had his "revelations" that were suspiciously similiar to the Spaulding book. I can't wait for the Mormons to come by and talk to me, I've got my documentation handy at the door.

Anonymous said...

P-Momma, You are such a intelligent riot! I'm thinking I should print out this post and have it ready to paraphrase if I ever got one of those calls.

And thanks to Saurian200 for the pwned definition...I'm Clueless #2.

Rueyn. said...

You jinxed me! Not five minutes after reading this, there was a knock at my door and guess who it was?? Luckily I remember not to answer the door, but that's the last time I read these posts ;)

Saurian200 said...


And thanks to Saurian200 for the pwned definition...I'm Clueless #2.

Your welcome!

Ah, the internet. It's the gift that keeps on giving, and not just porn either!

Anonymous said...

Saurian200 said:
Ah, the internet. It's the gift that keeps on giving, and not just porn either!

*chuckle* That's the best laugh I had today next to the new cards.

Eight Hour Lunch said...

Ha! Good stuff! If I have just one regret about leaving the LDS church (and I'd barely call it a regret) it's that I requested no future contact. I'm afraid I missed out on a lot of great opportunities that way.

JJ said...

Sneaked, please.

I have my own very brief Mormon proselytizing story: add 113911.html after my blog's address. Glad to see there are others out there not afraid to slam the door shut, as it were.

Justin said...

This is the reason I love your blog so much possummomma. I live in Utah, and this made me laugh out loud.