Saturday, October 20, 2007

Jesus is slackin'.

You know...I kind of had some respect for Jesus when he reserved his appearances for the wood grain in doors, quesadillas, and toast. But, now he's just slummin'...

Now he's making appearances in dirty towels!

"I say it's a miracle, a big miracle," Lucille said. "He's showing that he sees us. That he's looking at us." On a simple white towel she sees the face of Jesus. She said, "He's telling us that he's crying. Maybe he's hurting or that he's crying the way he did before he left us." She says she used the towel to clean an air conditioner.

So...let's pretend we're devout Catholics and, after cleaning our air conditioner grate, we turn the towel over to find Jesus. We, of course, pray to the towel and receive the message that Jesus is crying (his Welbutrin was back ordered). What would we do with the towel? Frame it? Sell it on ebay?

"I guess it just got stained," she said.
So Lucille washed it. And bleached it. Twice. And then her granddaughter used the towel.
"It kind of scared me, because I was going to dry my hair," Desiree Ramos recalled. "But then I just threw it. And then I went to go tell my grandma."

BEHOLD! Jesus is more powerful than AllTemper Cheer.

You might not see the face in the towel. If you do, you might not believe it resembles Jesus. Lucille Lopez doesn't care. She does. And she's thankful for the gift she got from God.
Well, we'd probably be able to see the face better if she hadn't have washed and bleached it twice. One would think a devotee would know that when Jesus gives you a gift, you don't reach for the Spray and Wash. Tsk. Tsk.


PiGuy said...

You know what I always think every time I hear one of these stories? Okay, so suppose, in a certain light, that many reasonable people would see something that resembles a face in a shadow/garment/dollop of mashed potatoes/cheese burger/Nutty Buddy/whipped cream/Not sure what's up with the food theme/pile of dust/insert your own here.

Okay. I get it. It's sort of face-ish but - Jeebus? Why Jeebus? I mean, we're talking about a vague, unfocued, low res image that could be said to resemble the face (ie: has hairish, eyesish, beardish, headish, noseish features) of a man form the Mediterranean Region c. 31 C.E. - in pretty much the same way that my daughter Amanda a few years ago noted that a particular cloud, when viewed from on your back in the grass, resembles a ducky. Soooo, is it not also reasonable to state with equal authority and validity - that when I see the same pancake-face, I say: "Nah - I see the Pharisee Nicodemus"? Or Zechariah, son of Barachiah? Or even Comicus, Stand-up Philosopher/Bullshit Artist?

Hey - why are we limiting ourselves so temporally and spatially? Why not Thor? Why not Jerry Garcia? (Jerry & Jeebus: Separated at Birth? Not such a stretch. I've known several people who thought Jerry was god...) Why not Sitting Bull? Why not f*&$ing J Edgar Hoover? Or Richard Feynman? Why not your 2nd Grade art teacher? WTF?

It's round. Its middle is marked with circles, ovals, triangles, and other common geometric figures. There's mucho symmetry. How 'bout I see that same image and I see a sunflower - a real and tangible entity much more deserving of reverence and worship than even that rose-colored-eyeballs image of Jeebus held by even the most devout believer.

I see the Bohr Model of the Atom. I see a stalder to handstand on High Bar. I see the Krebs Cycle. I see a 12 Bar Blues Riff, accented by the occasional 4th or flat 6th just prior to the chord change, working its way around to the beginning again, to the top. Da capo. The head.

And therein, my faithful brethren, lies the secret: you can choose to use your head. You can think. Yeah, opposable thumbs rock but reason is to man what three rows of incisors is to a great white and changing skin color is to a chameleon. It's, dare I say, our gift. The gift that makes it possible for our species to keep making more of our species when so, so many other species have failed to do so. I ask only that you examine your extraordinary claims rationally and, if you choose to see something divine in something murky, then you might as well be a web-less spider. You worship death more than life.

And it should be deemed acceptable and justifiable, in an open democratic society such as ours, for me and other like-minded people to address and attempt to refute such claims because I prefer to live a happy life with those that I love in a culture of life. You can worship Jeebus or you can worship rational thought - to man, life. But you can't worship both.

Poodles said...

Two things: How dirty do you let yourself get to get a stain that dark on a towel?

And I wonder what Las Vegas casino will purchase it on Ebay?

Russ said...

I think it looks like a bad knock off of a DaVinci grotesque. This can't possibly be Jesus of Nazareth. Why? Well, duh, I've seen his picture. Everybody knows Jesus was a white male, undeniably of European descent, having long chestnut colored hair, and a perfect beard. His perfectly balanced and symmetrical face project his divine perfection. His flawless complexion mirrors his flawlessness as a human being and his shining eyes are as a beacon beckoning all to his divine spirit.

No, that is not Jesus. The woman has confused her religious icons. It's obviously Bill O'Reilly.

Paul said...

I saw Da Vinci too as soon as I saw it, Jesus my ass.$12?mode=day

bunnyburrito said...

Whenever I hear about one of these, my only thought is- you godforsaken doofuses, it's an image of an artist's rendition of (whoever). My fave is whenever a milagro pic/ stain/ chocolate dropping of Our Lady of Guadalupe turns up (tilted head and all, just like on the rear-view mirror car air fresheners), and even better when replete with flaming oblong corona. Repeat after me, people-- ARTIST'S RENDITION.

AlisonM said...

Maybe it's just me, but I wouldn't clean an air conditioner with a towel, wash it and bleach it, see that the stain has become one with the towel, and then use it on my body. Yuck. Especially if the stain looks like a face. Isn't it some kind of sin to let an image of Jeebus see you nekkid?

Gramomster said...

ROFLMAO!!! When I read this, I thought about the piece I saw a couple years ago... somebody DID see Jerry! Can't remember what in/on, but claimed that 'proved' Jerry's divinity. I kid you not. I'll see if I can find it....
Oh, too funny...