Monday, July 16, 2007

Jesus Toys?

"With Tales of Glory Spirit Warrior Action Figures children can bring the greatest stories of the Bible to life. Each 13" action figure comes with a mini-storybook. Spirit Warriors are big tough toys that boys will love to play with. Add a Tales of Glory Play-mat to Spirit Warrior action figures and watch your child's imagination soar. "

An article in USA Today confirms that all of Becky Fisher's wet dreams are about to come true.

"Early next month, 425 Wal-Mart stores nationwide will begin carrying faith-based toys from One2believe that target parents who would rather that their kids play with a Samson action figure than a Spider-Man action figure.

And, just like that... the little boys next door become Rod and Todd Flanders. "I want to play Daniel in the lion's den... or, we can just cure the lepers."

The toys are based on biblical stories. For example, there's a set of 3-inch figures based on Daniel in the lion's den for about $7. A 12-inch talking Jesus doll is about $15. And 14-inch Samson or Goliath action figures are about $20.

Fleecing of the faithful....excellent.

The toys target kids from pre-school to age 12, he says, and also are sold online at
Since 9/11, there's been a surge in faith-based products, says Bob Starnes, vice president of licensing at Big Idea, the firm behind VeggieTales. That's because most Americans have a "faith perspective," he says.

I love the last minute reference to 9/11. ?? WTF?? Yes. I'm sure when the jihadists flew into the WTC, they said..."Hahaha!! This will stop the Christians from having fun and making cheap plastic toys."

We all know that there will be a set for "Daniel and the Lion". I'm guessing there will be a "Joseph, Mary, Donkey" set near Christmas time. They'll most likely be a "Twelve Apostles Action Kit". But... what else?

"Crucified Jesus", complete with little katsup packets of fake blood, crown of thorns, and cross. Wailing Marys sold seperately.

Which tales would you like to see? I would like to see the following biblical stories/passages put into cute, little Christian toys.
Because God liked Abel's animal sacrifice more than Cain's vegetables, Cain kills his brother Abel in a fit of religious jealousy. 4:8
God kills everyone (men, women, children, infants, newborns) in Sodom and Gomorrah by raining "fire and brimstone from the Lord out of heaven." Well, almost everyone -- he spares the "just and righteous" Lot and his family. 19:24 - It just wouldn't be right with Sodom and Gomorrah toys.
If an ox gores a slave, the owner of the ox must pay the owner of the slave 30 shekels of silver, and "the ox shall be stoned." 21:32 - I'm guessing you'd have to provide your own stones.
After a woman gives birth, a priest must kill a lamb, pigeon, or dove as a sin offering. This is because having children is sinful and God likes it when things are killed for him. 12:6-8 - PETA is going to be pissed.
A priest's daughter who "plays the whore" is to be burned to death. 21:9 - I really hope they label this one as 10 and up...matches and all.
Jesus sends devils into 2000 pigs, causing them to jump off a cliff and be drowned in the sea. When the people hear about it, they beg Jesus to leave. 5:12-13 - Ooooh, that Jesus! What a funny guy.
Jesus criticizes the Jews for not killing their disobedient children as required by Old Testament law. (See Ex.21:15, Lev.20:9, Dt.21:18-21) 7:9-10 - This set comes with six 2" "children" to be crushed by their parents.

Edited to add: I see PZ Meyers got it posted before I did. :)


Saurian200 said...

Hey Kids, it's the:

Jesus versus Satan 2-pack!!!!!

Satan comes with a real cloth cape and pitchfork accesory. Jesus now with the Kung-Fu Grip. Varient bloody half-naked Jesus sold seperately.

And, coming next year, it's the Noah's Ark with drunken naked Noah action figure and spring-loaded missle launchers!

Anonymous said...

Love it.

PerpetualBeginner said...

I want Elisha, the two bears, and the forty-two dismembered children. (2 Kings 2:23-24) After all, we have to keep the kids mindful of the proper Biblically approved punishment for mouthing off at your betters.

Bob Kowalski said...

Samson action figure?

Why not have the Fightin' Jesus from Revelations action figure? His motto? Payback's a comin' or maybe Crucifixion is for losers.

At least the Fightin' Jesus isn't to found among the lost verses that Evangelicals quietly interpret out the Bible.

Chris said...

You know, I once went to Walmart looking for a new book to read, having just finished the one I was on. I was either looking for the new Dawkins book, or the now Harris book, I forget which now...but they were both on the best sellers lists, so I thought Walmart might have them.

Nope. They did have a "Best Seller" section, but of course, it was "Walmarts Best Sellers", most of which had a pro-religious theme. I've also seen entire stacks of bibles set near checkstands, an entire row in their book section dedicated to "Religious Books" and bibles, as well as 5 rows of those catholic candles, whatever they are. I'm sure I'm missing some more.

My point is, I shop at Walmart semi-regularly, being one the closest places to get stuff, as well as the cheapest. I've had many reasons to do my own mini-protest, and stop going, but the convinience and price always win me over in the end. To me, it's more and more feeling like a mini-christian store, that just happens to sell food. I know in the grand scheme of things, these figures aren't a big deal, but I think they may be the proverbial straw...itself not a big deal, but when added up with all the other little things... I think I might start that protest now.

Sara (sassy) said...


amarullis said...

A 12-inch talking Jesus doll is about $15. And 14-inch Samson or Goliath action figures are about $20.
Why is the Jesus doll smaller than the Samson doll? Goliath I could understand...
I guess the Adam and Eve dolls will come with their fig leaves already attached, which would make acting out the story from the beginning (before they realized their nakedness) kind of hard to accurately depict...
Maybe giving children biblical action figures will cause them to wonder, if GI Joe isn't real, maybe all these other characters are made up too? I can only hope.

Nicholas said...

Maybe they will sell figures at a discount if you want to re-enact the loving god slaughtering the entire population of the world (men, women, children, babes in arms)during the flood. Set them out on the lawn and drench them with your garden hose, and see what god's love means. The whole family can play at killing for the lord.

Poodles Rule said...

I hope they make the nephilim kinda like the stretch wrestler dolls.

Paul said...

You know they would have a best seller if you could record your own messages for the 12" talking Jesus doll to say.

PiGuy said...

more toy ideas:

- The Siege of Masada Action Set
- The Amalekite Massacre Action Set
- The Holocaust of David Action Set

> And you know it's a good idea because it's for the kids!

AlisonM said...

I want to have the Lot and his daughters set. You can use a whole bunch of generic action figures for the gang-raping crowd. The full set would come with a cave and a bottle of wine that looks like it's being drunk, like those baby doll bottles do, and re-enact him impregnating his girls later! Family fun! (Just use a salt shaker to represent Mrs. Lot. . .)

aimee said...

I was walking in the mall the other day and passed a Christian book store, there was a poster up
"Come on (insert date here) and meet BIBLE MAN"!!!!!

Oh brother, a superhero for the freakin' bible.

Berlzebub said...

(Just use a salt shaker to represent Mrs. Lot. . .)

Thanks a lot, alisonm. My monitor and keyboard are now soaked with the water I was drinking, and all my coworkers are looking at me funny.

Of course, me skipping down the cafeteria to get a salt shaker didn't help any.

Anonymous said...

I hope they make the nephilim kinda like the stretch wrestler dolls.

Stretch Armstrong, heh'. :)

You know they would have a best seller if you could record your own messages for the 12" talking Jesus doll to say.

Love it. :) I'd have to buy it and do very BAD things with it. LOL "Luke...I am your father." or "BOW to your sensei!"

Vincent said...

I suppose a naked bathing Bathsheba is out of the question?

Saurian200 said...


I suppose a naked bathing Bathsheba is out of the question?

Well, it might be out of the question at Wal-Mart, but what about that website selling the crotchless pantaloons?

Carlie said...

I'm sure it's come up here before, but the Brick Testament does all those great stories with Legos. It's, well, disturbing, really.

Joe said...

It seems to me that John 2:16 says not to sell stuff at church. I think this applies to Jeebus toys. And, of course acting like the Pharisees.

Simmy said...

More products coming your way soon!

Wow kids! The big bearded one sure did teach Lot's wife a lesson didn't he! Now you too can vent your anger at that uppity wench by constructing your very own Lot's Wife SaltLick!™ With just a plastic mold, a spoon and 250gm pack of table salt, you'll soon be smiting chattel at your leisure! Tasty too!
DISCLAIMER: Remember kids, if kidney stones were a bad thing, God wouldn't have invented them!

Or, if that's not to your liking, perhaps your budding saviour would prefer our Immaculate Conception Recreation Set!™ Set comes with 1 Virgin Mary figurine, minature first century hovel resplendent with fly-blown hessian 'door', disease infested cesspit* and maggot riddled miniature loaves and fishes. Hours of fun for all!
And remember kids, if the hovel's rockin', the archangel's knockin'

* e-coli & salmonella bacteria sold seperately

NakedApe said...

"Crucified Jesus", complete with little katsup packets of fake blood, crown of thorns, and cross.

No need for messy ketchup, they can use the same color changes w/cold water technology as the make Barbie look like an even cheaper hooker doll (a whole other rant) to make Jeebus's lashes, flogging, thorn gashes, nail holes and spear to the chest "magically" appear. OOh they could even include a little sponge whip, flog, crown, hammer and spear to dip in water and torture their savior with!!! Hours of wholesome fun.

robd said...

How about a Lazarus with Spring-Action-Resurrection?
(batteries not included).

Anonymous said...

I'm lovin' the ideas, people.
Spring Action

copperdog said...

Ooh! On the Adam and Eve note, the fig leaves could be magnetically attached and therefore removable for when it came time to populate the, maybe too much information. :)

Sean the Blogonaut F.C.D. said...

I'll wait until the heresy set comes out. The Jesus and Mary- sacred marriage pack and the Jesus in the Hindu-Kush set.

AlisonM said...

Too bad I threw it out - the kids used to have a "Don't Wake Daddy" game, and the Daddy figure would spring up to a seated position in the bed. A little white hair, some wrinkles painted on, and he'd be a perfect Lazarus. And I'm gonna look for the perfect salt shaker and Photoshop a Mrs. Lot for all you people. Heh.

Paul said...

I hope they're a part of a larger range of toys. Epic battles with Yahweh vs Odin vs Vishnu vs Skeletor. Yeah!

Ian Adams said...

I am so making that toy line as soon as I can round up some venture capital!