Saturday, June 30, 2007

*insert mega store here* and hell - same place?

During the Non-Prophet's chat, we (the chat room denizens) began exposing the similarities between hell and Walmart. But, because I'm fearful of litigation, I'm not going to talk about the store I just named. I'm going to talk about a large, retail establishment called Wally-World. It's just like Walmart, unless you plan to sue me based on this post (then it's not!).

Personally, I loathe Wally-World. My loathing is multi-leveled, but primarily based on an incident that happened in November of 02'. On said date, I decided to take my first trip "out" as a mother of three. Possum#3 had been born in October. I loaded up the kids and headed to Wally-World to pick up some household cleaning products and drop off some film to be developed. I put P#3's car seat in the large "basket" part of the shopping cart (because, it scares the shit out of me when people balance those carriers, precariously, on the push bar and 'seat'). The photos took about forty-five minutes to develop. When I went to check out, all was well. I loaded the conveyor belt, paid for my stuff, did a quick possum count and headed towards the exit. When I went through the door, a buzzer went off and security approached me. I was baffled. I kind of thought that the checker must have left a security tag on something. I still had my receipt in my hand, so I handed it to the security guard and she started looking at my cart. P#2, being short, saw something under P#3's car seat and said, "Mommy! There's a DVD under there." ??? I picked up the carrier and, sure enough, there was a Sesame Street DVD. Now... I don't recall having picked up a Sesame Street DVD. My best guess, to this day, is that P#1 or P#2 may have surreptitiously put it in the cart. But, as soon as I saw it, I apologized profusely and said, "I didn't realize that was in the cart." I thought that would be the end of it, but...oh no...not for the Wally-Police. They accused me of trying to shoplift... a children's DVD. A $6 DVD. Because, you know, that's exactly what every petty felon wants is a Burt and Ernie fix. *rolls eyes* Long story short- the Wally Police were totally obnoxious about it and convinced that I was operating a crime mafia. Fellow shoppers stepped in, at one point, to intercede when the Wally Police said they were going to call the real police and I said, "Go for it! You're detaining me without cause!" The Wally Manager was eventually called and the Wally REGIONAL Manager ended up calling to apologize (the whole interchange was caught on their own security tapes). The Wally Regional Manager tried offering me a $100 gift card (Ha! I love it. First I'm accused of shop lifting, then you're going to give me a gift card?). I politely declined and have been Wally-free sense Nov. of 2002.

Even before that episode, I had Wally-hate. And, to get back to the Non-prophet chat, I think Wally-World can be compared to hell.
*Sticky carts!
*Crowded masses of people being mocked by yellow smiley faces.
*Dented cans of mystery meat that appear at random in the office supply section.
*Clothing pimped by anorexic celebrity twins.
*Horrible churros!!
*Small possums dressed only in diapers squalling as Mother Possums stockpile boxes of generic mac and cheese.
Hell, I tell ya'.

The people in the chat had some better examples of evidence that supports the hypothesis that Wally-World is hell...I'll let them post in comments. :)


Chris said...

I'd agree 100% with you, if I read this a few weeks ago. Before then, every Wally-World I've ever been to was exactly as you described it, plus many additions of my own (My brother and I would amuse ourselves whenever we went to Wally-World by playing "Count The Mullets").

I just moved to Reno, NV. It's my first apartment, and because I was needing a bunch of cheap household things, and having found the Wally-World while dropping off the uHaul, I went there instead of looking for someplace else. It's actually really nice. Clean, well run and the employees there are helpful and don't look like management just snatched them from the local homeless shelter.

Actually, I should rethink this. I'll agree with you on the Wally-World = Hell thing, just that it's the multi-level view of Hell. Most are in the lower levels, but once in a while you can find one that's in one of the higher levels.

Betsy said...

I also hate Wally-World and rarely shop there. However, a new Super one is being built within 2 miles of my house and I'm exited! The other grocery store that's close is twice as expensive as it needs to be and the nearest one after that is about 10 miles. I'd prefer a SuperTarget, but those are nowhere to be found and some things are worth traversing hell for. :)

Andrew said...

Right. There are many levels of Wal-Mart. There are the nicer new stores and the old-old stores. For example, I only know of one Super Wal-Mart in Austin. The rest are all the original smaller variety. I think this is because everyone sues and protests anytime anyone tries to build a big store that isn't PC enough for Austin.
If I have to go to Wal-Mart, I go after midnight when there are no kids running around and no lines.
As for the shoplifting: you didn't have much on you and your guilt was definitely suspect. Plus the Wal-Mart rent-a-cops were likely on a power trip.
I worked at Best Buy in high school and I saw all sorts of shoplifters. You have the normal stereotypes of punk kids and broke-ass losers, and then you have the adults who have plenty of money who steal for fun (kleptomaniacs). These people come in all shapes and sizes, but they are usually seasoned veterans and hard to catch.

steelcobra said...

I have my own reasons for hating that chain. They're filthy, poorly organized, badly laid out, and they sell barely functional merchandise. Not to mention they make it SOP to screw over their employees.

Compared to Target (where I worked for four years) where the store is clean, the layout makes sense, the shelves are organized and restocked throughout the day and completely restraightened at closing. And they treat their employees fairly well. While the hours are random (shifts are built based on predicted level of business), you're told that right out, and you do get a couple paid vacation days based on how many hours you work. I was making 7.50 an hour within a year of working there. All that, and Target actually sells merchandise of fairly solid quality.

Longstreet said...

The unnamed store definitely has ascpects of Hell. For one thing, it'll have driven all the other retailers there out of business.
Probably, thanks to cheap labor, Hell is where they make most of their merchandise.
The question is whether hell is spent just shopping there or working there and then shopping there.
I have a bit of fun envisioning Hell now and again, especially the Atheist Hell. You might find it amusing. Here's a good place to start:

Steve "I never, ever, pimp my web page. I'm so ashamed." James

Sara (sassy) said...

We are also a Wally World free family and damn proud of it.

Those of you that shop there, stop and consider *why* they are able to sell their merchandise so cheap.

Queen Pickle said...

I do prefer the super wally world to the locally owned grocery that smells like old people, urine, and spoiled meat. But what's with the gas they must pump into the a/c system at Wally World? I go in for a gallon of milk, and as soon as I'm in the door I'm walking around in a daze wondering what I came in for. $50 later I'm leaving, sans milk.

Lorenzo said...

The cans of mistery meat among office supplies have a rational explanation.

Shoplifters take products, then go to the sectin farthest from that, take the product out of the packaging and hide the packaging among other things.

When I worked at one of these places (not a Wally-World) every morning I would pick up between 10 and 20 of these things out of my shelves.

Pambolita said...

Every time I go to a Wal-Mart or Super Wal-Mart, I get the "creepies" and swear I'll never go again.(don't go but once a month or so) When I write my purchase in my checkbook, I've been writing either "Hell" or Super-Hell" I was really amused by this post

Margaret said...

Wally World is annoying and incompetently run, but it doesn't come anywhere close to being hell (normally -- PM's experience was hellish). My most hellish shopping experience was in a Wild Oats (health food chain store). A couple was in the checkout line behind me with their little kid. The kid jumps the line and puts something on the conveyor belt in front of where I'm putting my stuff. I pick it up and put it back into the kid's hands, not actually looking at him/her. Next thing I know the Mom's screaming at me, the Dad shoves his shopping cart into me from behind and then shoves me with his hands when I turn around, the Mom spends the next 10 minutes (or hours?) that we are in line screeching at me at the top of her lungs, and the see-nothing/know-nothing clerk won't do anything about the assault and apparently thinks it's all my fault. Moral of the story: jerks are as prevalent in up-scale as in down-scale stores.

Bob Kowalski said...

A story for you.

Jesus Town.

It's maybe 500 words. It's cute, funny, and Jesus & Walmart both figure prominently.