Saturday, April 07, 2007

Phone fun.

*phone rings*
Me: Hello.
Fundy: Hi, I'm calling from the *church-of-bugging-people-on-Saturdays*. Is *possummomma* available?
Me: What is this in regard to?
Fundy: Is she there?
Me: *slightly louder* What is this in regard to?
Fundy: she there?
*pause...what part of "WHAT IS THIS IN REGARD TO?" is difficult?!*

Fundy: Hello?
Me: I'm still haven't answered my question. WHAT IS THIS IN REGARD TO?
Fundy: Well, I guess it would be... in regard to... well, we're having a Bible study on Wednesday night and we have been forwarded her name as an interested party.
Ok...which one of you gave out my name and phone number? April Fools was a few days ago!! LOL

Me: You know what sweetie, I don't think she would be interested.
Fundy: How do you know? Can I talk to her?
Me: You got her.
Fundy: Oh... oh... so, yes, I'm calling to invite you to a Bible study at *Bothering People on Saturday* Church, this Wednesday night. 7pm. There's child care available. Would you be interested?
Me: You're inviting *ME* to come to your church and talk about the Bible?
Fundy: Sure! We love new faces.
Me: Well, that's great! Can we talk about the Bible in great detail?
Fundy: That could be arranged... do you have questions?
Me: Oh... I have LOTS of questions. Are there any topics that are out of bounds?
Fundy: Not a one! God is open to all questions! I'm so excited that you have questions and want to study the Bible! Can I write your name down as someone willing to attend?
Me: Certainly, you may. I can't wait to talk to Christians about the errancies found in the Bible and see their proof of God.
Fundy: Excuse me?
Me: I love talking about the Bible and the nature of God. And, I'm particularly interested in the errors in the New Testament translations and Christian mythology.
Fundy: Oh... um...well, I don't know if Wednesday would be a good time to talk about THAT stuff.
Me: But, said any topic was fair game.
Fundy: Well, I don't think we'd have anyone available to answer those questions. You might need to talk to our women's leader for those questions....HE is really smart.
Me: So, it's not an open discussion?
Fundy: No. It is... *she's catching on*, you know, I don't know if this would be the right group for you.
Me: Probably not..seeing as I'm an atheist.
Fundy: You are?
Me: Yep.
Fundy: *gets a bit torked* WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST SAY SO?
Me: You didn't ask.
Fundy: Well, I want to thank you for wasting my time!! I hope you're happy with yourself...
Me: *interupting her* I'm wasting your time? You called me.

She hung up on me. I wonder if my name is still on the attendance list or if she took a great-big, red pen to my name? :)


Sean the Blogonaut said...

I suing you PM, I fell off my chair laughing and hurt my hip.

AlisonM said...

Oh, if only we all had that presence of mind when confronted by these people! Thanks for my first laugh of the morning. (OK, the second. "Pearls Before Swine" was funny today.)

Karen - Jusgottastamp said...

Holy fundie, possummomma!! Was that an April fool's joke on you or the fundie????

Holy shit!

Jack said...

Good thing they've got a smart man leading their women's group. There's no telling what they might talk about otherwise.


Stew said...

I liked the switch from "All questions are welcome! How wonderful" to "err, maybe this isn't the right group for you!

Stacey said...

ROTFL! "Is she there?"

Oh well, at least it's better than "bother people on Thanksgiving Day" church!

Aimee said...

If only I was that quick witted! One time when Johovas came to my door, my brother in-law answered. They were giving their little talk and my brother in law said he reads the bible, of course their little ears perked up and they got all happy until he told them he uses it as a reference for the vampire books he writes. I had a hard time not laughing when they got all uncomfortable and quickly left.

Summer Squirrel said...

I wonder if she was quick to ask the next person on her list before she wasted time on them.

"Uh, before I ask you to join us in Bible study, are you a Christian?"

Thanks for the laugh!

aiabx said...

A friend of mine greets Jehovah's Witnesses at his door with the message "You are entering an obscene household. In 30 seconds, I am going to drop my pants, and you'll get to see *my* watchtower".
He claims a 100% success rate in driving them away.

I loved the "You didn't ask". Perfect.

Paul said...

Very funny PM, you are much more polite than I am when confronted by fundies. I don't receive phone calls, they show up at my front door.
Not just Jehovahs either, Baptists and Catholics have been regular trespassers. It's one of the drawbacks of living in the south.

Marcy said...

SHE called YOU, but yet you're wasting HER time? Priceless. Fundies are so retarded.

David W. said...

Hilarious! What a priceless conversation. If you ask me, I think it was somebody very cleverly giving them your name and number in retaliation for something (probably being bothered on a Saturday). I doubt anybody would have handled it quite so well. :-)

Virginia aka Ginny said...

Man, PM you always have all the fun.

Natasha Yar-Routh said...

Very funny and well handled possummomma. We get lots of door to door bible thumpers up here in the mountains and I love the way Lyne deals with them. She is Asatru and when they ask if they can tell her about their god she says yes if she can tell them about her Gods first. For some reason they always go away then. I guess their fragile faith can not stand b eing exposed to any other viewpoints with out shattering.

Anonymous said...

Fun with fundies. Good for you! :)

Debbie said...

That's hysterical. Telemarketing for God (complete with the ubiquitous refusal to explain what on Earth the call is about). One of these people stopped by my door yesterday, asking if I thought morality in America was on the decline. I told her "no".

aimee said...

Whats funny about her asking "Why didn't you just say so" about being an atheist is that had you said that at the beginning, that would not have stopped her from trying to talk you into coming. I'm surprised that that didn't make her work harder when she did find out. They love a good challenge, unless they themselves are the ones being challenged.

Tone said...

How fun is that? I never get the phone calls, the Mormon missionaries never come any more either. Could be because I always told them they could come in as long as they didn't mind me sacrificing small children while they spoke to me...

Leah said...

Oh how I wish I was that quick witted when confronted by those people. Although, it does remind me of my college years living with a fundy baptist and a fundy catholic and myself the proud athiest(sounds like the begining of a really bad joke doesn't it). Well I never really appretiated their views until one day we had a Jehova's Wittness came knocking at our obviously college apartment door, seeking to convert some sinners within. Both of my roommates were polite and patiently listened while he testified to them, then they both in turn testified right back, judging by his complete loss for words I don't think they bother preparing the missionaries for being tag-teamed by two believers that know their sh*t better than him. Meanwhile it was all I could do to muffle my laughter in the other room.

And I have to just add as an aside, these 2 girls were 2 of the only Christians that actually acted the way you would expect of people that actually believed Christ's teaching, they never judged me, never ganged up on me to try to make a convert and they were both very open to discussing their faiths with me in and my beliefs (it was refreshing to know people that had even given that much thought to their beliefs in the first place, let alone be willing to hold them up for scrutiny and discussion with others)... these 2 restored my faith that there is at least some hope for the "faithful"... and then there was the other roommate that once said in a very matter of fact way "I feel bad for my rfiends that don't believe in Jesus, cuz they are all going to hell."
::sighs and shakes head::

Cogito said...

Whats funny about her asking "Why didn't you just say so" about being an atheist is that had you said that at the beginning, that would not have stopped her from trying to talk you into coming. I'm surprised that that didn't make her work harder when she did find out.

aimee, I disagree. See, this was clearly a "let's gather believers and mutually prop up our beliefs" meeting, and it would be incredibly dangerous to allow a doubter to point out biblical flaws in such a meeting. They have other groups for proselytizing to unbelievers, like people who have completed Kirk Cameron's banana seminar.

I got rid of some JWs once simply by honestly and politely discussing their religion with them. I felt pretty confident when they mentioned Adam's creation, and I asked which version they referred to, and they were puzzled.

Anyway, way to go, PM! Love the "wasting my time" comment!

LCR said...

On a related note, about once a year I open the front door to find a person there attempting to sell school textbooks that cover just about every topic under the sun... ALMOST every topic. The sales people are always charming and part of the sales technique is that when the books are delivered, the sales person will personally sit down at your kitchen table and go over the book with you and your child... as if having a perfect stranger chat with your child is a big plus.

As a anthropologist, I have a few key topics I check for when I look at a science book to evaluate its worth. So I immediately check the table of contents for the section on "evolution". It has always been listed as being in these textbooks. So I turn to those selected pages and... those pages don't even exist. Never. The page numbers aren't even there. I've gotten some interesting responses when I asked about the missing pages. One person told me that the pages (all 4 of them) were removed to make it easier for the sales people to carry the heavy books. Another asked ME what the problem was... was I one of those religious people worried about their kids learning about evolution? I wish someone would explain that one to me...

I actually look forward to their annual visits.

desert rat said...

The fact that their women's leader is a guy kinda says it all, really.

Vincent said...

I think you should have gone.
You might have been able to make a few "converts."

aimee said...

Cogito, when I said I'm surprised it didn't make her work harder, by that I meant that usually when you tell these people that you don't believe, or you are an atheist and so on, that usually makes them think that they are the one that can change your mind about it. That if they get you in the door, then there is a chance that you can be 'saved'. Church is just a big pyramid scheme.

Anonymous said...


PerpetualBeginner said...

I'm with you, Cogito. Discussing their religion politely and in depth with JW's sends them running. When I used to live in Nashville, the JW's down the street sent by conversion teams regularly. The first time I took their literature, said I read it, and off they went. The second time, I offered them lemonade and sat down to discuss everything I'd read. The third time, only half of the original crew of six showed up. We discussed some more. The fourth time only the oldest guy showed up, and he looked uneasy - we talked more.

My in-laws live in that house now. It's been nine years since I lived there, but the JW groups still won't go near it. I've been operating similarly here and was very happy when my neighbor rang my bell "What do you do to the proselytizers? There's a group working down the street and they crossed the street to avoid your house!"

Works for pretty much all of them - JW's, Mormons, Southern Baptists. None of them really want a frank examination of the fundamentals of their faith.

Joe said...

I don't answer the door or the phone, I'm missing out. But, I've had plenty of it at work. Eventually they wear themselves out and leave me alone.