Sunday, March 04, 2007

God's dressing room.

I haven't figured out how to encode text with my links, but PZ had this article up on his site. "GodTube"

Apparently, it's a YouTube knock-off and the content is supposed to "Broadcast Him!"
Amongst other questions ("Does God have a 'good side'?", "Would God prefer widescreen or full screen?", "Theme songs?"), I started thinking about what the backstage rider for God would look like? *evil grin*

Backstage Ride for GOD.
1. GOD is not accustomed to wearing security passes. Please be aware that security has seen GOD and knows what he looks like.
2. GOD reserves the right to remove any and all staff who displease him.
3. No one shall have access to GOD thirty minutes prior to or immediately after the show. GOD needs the time to focus.
4. No flash photography allowed. Any and all images of GOD captured by the audience will be confiscated by GOD's public relations department.
5. GOD will be provided with 10 tickets, of desirable seating, to hand out as HE sees fit.
Production Facilities
GOD and his staff will require a production headquarters at each venue. Please ensure that each room is equipped with broadban internet access and at least one private phone line.

GOD requires a room of no smaller than biblical proportions. Please make sure the following items are available for GOD three hours prior to the start time of each show. Please note that SON OF GOD may stop by at any time. The venue should be ready for such an event.
1. Towels - GOD prefers bathsheet sized, white towels. Towels may not be sold after the performance.
2. 3 Cases of Evian (for blessing)
3. 2 Jugs of tap water, with glasses suitable for drinking red wine.
4. 10 loaves
5. An assortment of fish.
6. An assortment of mannahs and honeys. Note: GOD does not like the stuff in the bear. It gives him the willies.
7. A package of large, burrito sized tortillas. No lard, please. GOD and SON OF GOD might wish to leave a few of these for audience distribution.
8. 1 box of Hot Pockets.

GODs warm-up area should include:
3 Sofas
1 Throne
1 Crown of thorns.
All pertinent and necessary books authored by HIM.

On stage participants to be provided by venue.
71 Virgins with medical documentation.
10 Lepers (no substitutions allowed).
6,000 men, women, and children of Jewish origins.
12 Back-up Dancers.
1 Apple (Golden Delicious is preferrable)
1 Ball Python
100, 50lb sacks of Brimstone. guys take over now.


Milo Johnson said...

You HAVE to watch the "Athiest" banana clip! I've not seen so much stupidity packed into two and a half minutes in my life, and I've seen a lot of stupidity in my time.

Eamon Knight said...

Quick HTML tutorial. A link embedded in text looks like this, except the square brackets should be replaced with angle-brackets (a.k.a. greater-than/less-than signs):

...normal text [a href=""]link text[/a] more normal text.....

(The reason I use [] in the example, is that if I use angle brackets your browser will parse it as a tag and you won't see what I'm trying to show you ;-)

Come to think of it, though: the Blogger editor automates this. Use the "link" button in the toolbar.

Whalehugger said...

Chick singers. God must have chick singers for back up choir, and only chick singers. All males applying will be surgically altered to sing soprano.

Cap'n Murkat said...

Haha! I have to say I love "chatting with Charley". And he does say himself, once you rule out the impossible, whatever's left has to be true. There is no god, so therefore....

Another link for you :-)

Anonymous said...

Come to think of it, though: the Blogger editor automates this. Use the "link" button in the toolbar.

Yeah, I tried automatically linking it... I must be screwing it up. I'll have to play with it a bit. Thanks for the crash tutorial.

aimee said...

GOD also would like his M&M's separated by color, otherwise he will throw the biggest hissy fit you've ever seen!

Kathryn said...

I was waiting for you to tell us how many cubits God's Room should be....

Anonymous said...

GOD also would like his M&M's separated by color, otherwise he will throw the biggest hissy fit you've ever seen!

Picky picky. Does GOD want them alphabetized, too?

Mark said...

1,000 first born males(Amorites prefered)

Absolutely no one with the name Herod, Heridoculous, Harold, Harry, Harris, is permitted within 500 cubits of GOD or his son.

aimee said...

"Picky picky. Does GOD want them alphabetized, too"?

I suppose if he were a ditzy blonde : )

Brendan said...

As a quick course on how to show things like angle brackets in HTML-encoded text, you use 'escape sequences' to tell the parser that you want to show the actual character, not use it's attributes as an instruction. The escape sequences in HTML and XHTML are an ampersand (&) followed by the sequence, followed by a semicolon (;) The three I know of are the ampersand itself: &, the greater than sign, or left angle bracket:>, and the less than sign, or right angle bracket: <

Also, possummomma, I really enjoy your writing, and find your blog to be informative and entertaining at the same time. Keep up the good work! (thumbs up goes here)

shaun said...

Although amusing, a make-believe rider is no match for the real thing. I suggest you head over to The Smoking Gun and read some of the riders there...amazing...

The Rev. Jenner J. Hull said...

Ever since the 80's, God's been putting a little Stonehenge model on stage, too. As a Spinal Tap fan, He feels that it is His duty.

And all His amps really go up to 11.

Peter Mc said...

Please don't forget: no bastards, Moabites, Ammonites or eunuchs. For we shall never be allowed into an association of the Lord, nor near His Winnebago.